I'm very sleepy so this may not be coherent, but I read your post and felt inspired, and it reminded me of some of the many hopes and dreams I've had for myself that I've lost track of along the way with all the real world drek. and that I'd like to find even one or two of them again, if I could.
I'm not sure how much I can keep up with anything, but I would like to at least start by being inspired by your words, because that feels like a good place to start, and it felt good to read them and percolate what they mean.
First of all, 'coherent' is a tough thing to attain in any stage of wakefulness, and I think you've done just fine here. Second, thank you! As I said in the post, I had no idea who I was casting my message out to, so if the first reply is to say it's inspired someone, that is a best case scenario, and will now inspire me as I work on the next post! So thank you for you words, and thanks for being here. I find it hard to keep track of my hopes and dreams as well, so I hope this will be a space where we can help remind each other.
I often find that even when I *am* feeling coherent, my words seem to skate around and miss other people's comprehension, so I tend to over-apologise for it. but now I'm wondering if maybe that's more a result that comes when I try to connect with people on completely different wavelengths? anyway, thank you for reassuring me.
I feel even less coherent now, to be honest, but... I wanted to say that I'm glad I inspired you. even when I'm not sure what I want or hope or dream, one of my core concepts is encouraging people and making people happy. I've always believed that if I can make one person smile or feel good or feel hope, I've changed the world for the better that day. it's something that keeps me going.
I've just been reading some stories in a (story-centric) game I play that touched me emotionally and made me cry, and it always takes me awhile to process and figure out what I'm feeling, so I'm a little emotionally churned up and not sure what I'm aiming for here, but... I'm glad that I found your post (thanks to your husband, like several others have said) and I'm glad that I felt able to comment... and I'm glad you replied. :) it's good to be here. I'm reading everyone's comments with interest even if my words are flailing in and out of reach.
(I am disabled and mostly bedbound with chronic fatigue and chronic pain, but I have seen positive mention of psilocybin quite a bit in various communities for people with my conditions. I'm not sure it's legal where I am right now, but I'm listening *very* closely and intently because there are very few mainstream medicine options available for me so I mostly have to figure things out for myself.)
I'm sorry to hear of your bed-bound situation. That sounds bloody rough. I'm not as aware of the research around psilocybin and physical health as I am of all the research being done around mental health (obviously, the two are very interconnected, but you know what I mean). So I'd be very interested to hear more of what you're hearing in that area. Every body is so different of course, but I will say for myself, I've never had a single side effect from psilocybin, and I'm super sensitive to alcohol, meds, pollen, caffeine, soap, bandaids... the list of things in this world that make me nauseous, itchy, and/or tired seems to always be getting longer.
I'm very glad you found your way to Julian's work. I've been living with him for nine years and can vouch that his soul is as good as his mind is brilliant. Which is to say, he's a really good dude.
Also, I have to ask - is Cassiel your real name? Wings of Desire is my favourite film, and there's an angel in it called Cassiel, and I've always thought that was such a nice name. Nick Cave wrote a song for the character, and who wouldn't want to have Nick Cave singing their name?! https://open.spotify.com/track/1XgDmam0QKLP32N5R6jpHr?si=7230eb35e23b4544
I hope you don't mind if I reply to your last comment first, but I got very excited when I read it! :D
Cassiel is now the name on all my paperwork... but I chose it myself as a teen, and I chose it specifically from that exact Nick Cave song! I came to Wings of Desire from being a Nick Cave fan, and loved the movie, and I was in the process of reinventing myself (due to trauma) at around the time Faraway, So Close and the single of Cassiel's Song first came out. It was so haunting and stuck with me, and the name felt like "me", so I started using it for everything. I changed it legally a few years later when I was able, and have never regretted it. I love my name, but in all these years, you are the first person to ever mention the actual original song and character that I chose it from!
Okay, now that I've got that out of my system...!
(also just to note, have been writing this in pieces over time while dozing off-and-on in bed, apologies if long or rambly.)
Thank you for your kind words and compassion. My situation both sucks and it is what it is. It's hard to describe simply, I guess. Some days I'm a wreck, other days I'm okay. I take each day as it comes.
There's not as much research into psilocybin and physical health, but it's definitely happening, and there's a lot of positive anecdotal evidence in the patient communities. I've read about it relieving chronic pain (some getting months of relief from one dose), and some people with post-viral conditions (which I have) have seen huge longer-term improvements in their symptoms and quality of life. I believe there's some psilocybin for fibromyalgia trials going on at the moment that were directly inspired by all the good stories from patients. So I'm very interested, except it's just so hard to access!
Also not to sound like I'm diagnosing over the internet or anything, but your list of things that makes you ill and the fact that it's growing longer makes me want to ask if you have heard of MCAS? (mast cell activation syndrome)
It's another condition I have, and is only more recently coming to be better understood, but what you're describing sounds similar to what I experienced in the leadup to getting diagnosed, so I couldn't help asking. Mine reached breaking point of having to wear gloves to touch anything and reacting to almost all foods before I found answers, but antihistamines and also quercetin in particular are very helpful; I take the latter daily and it's done SO much to improve how well I cope with the things I'm sensitive to.
Anyway, sorry if I'm sounding pushy or nosy, but wanted to mention it on the off chance it ends up being helpful!
When I first read Julian's post about the Minecraft situation, I felt incredibly inspired, and uplifted, and touched, to the point I wrote him an email which is something I almost never do, as I get very easily anxious and shy. (and he very kindly replied, and was lovely.) I felt a similar but different sort of inspired and uplifted from your post here, but I don't know if I would have had the courage to comment if not for that experience with Julian. So I am feeling very grateful to you both right now.
(I struggle to have the energy to reply like this regularly, but sometimes the stars align, or something aligns, and magic seems to happen. So even if I'm not able to continue to comment, or interact as much, thank you for being a part of the magic that made the stars align for this, right here. Because it has already made a difference to my day, and my week.)
I was the other way around - I saw Wings of Desire, became obsessed with it, and then became a huge Cave fan. I can't believe I'm the only one to guess your name origin! What a shame - it's so good.
I don't think MCAS sounds like something I have. But thanks for checking. And sorry if you do have it - that sounds dreadful. Really interesting to hear about all the research on psilocybin and chronic ailments. The fact that it's hard for you to access the stuff is obscene, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before that changes completely.
I'm so glad Julian and I have both been able to offer you something positive. You've made a positive difference in my week, too.
Earlier this year, around my thirty-third birthday, I wanted to kill myself. I needed to die.
I have been suicidal many times throughout my life, but this time was different. I was not in despair about some personal calamity, I was certain that there was no future. I had come to a realisation that in almost every sphere of life, economic, social, political, environmental - we, human society, had borrowed against the future, bet everything on future generations solving current crises, and the future had now come crawling back saying "I haven't anything left to give!" I felt that we had simultaneously demanded that future generations solve our problems AND stripped them of any opportunities or resources to do so.
I felt that we were all trapped within a wheel of suffering, every object around us the product of exploitation, slavery and inhumanity. That the device I'm writing this on, or equally any other object, was built by young people in terrible conditions, paid almost nothing, and the most they could hope for would be an education that put them into insurmountable debt and put them through so much stress that they'd break down crying!
Which happens every semester.
And a construction company went bankrupt recently and just before they did, they were underbidding on contracts, taking money to do jobs they KNEW they couldn't afford to finish, hoping that in the meantime something - anything - would swoop down and save them! That they'd be RESCUED by the future.
And one of my students sent me an email saying they're sorry, they're so so sorry but they can't make it through the course and they had to drop out. And I didn't know how to go into school the next day and face my students.
So instead I broke down crying and told my wife I needed to go to the emergency room, where I asked some very nice and caring nurses and doctors to kill me.
Because I couldn't bear to be part of this world. Because I felt that there was no chance of me - or anyone else - doing NEARLY enough good to outweigh the suffering - the blood and viscera we wade through each day simply by being a part of a society that accepts and runs on near-slavery and environmental damage and sheer inhumanity.
And I still don't know if there is.
But I'm going to try and be as kind as I can be, every single day and hope that... it helps? That it makes a difference?
It almost doesn't feel like that's enough. But I'm going to do my best anyway.
“Because I could not bear to be a part of this world”. I understand that statement on a visceral level. Thank you for being open and willing to keep living and being kind and open. You are enough- I don’t know if that was only meant for you, or for me, or for all. But it is truth, I feel that in my bones. ❤️
My family members have a WhatsApp chat that one day turned to the meaning of life and after many opinions and theories were shared my wise sister quoted singer Jewel from her genius youthful first album: "In the end, only kindness matters".
This was a fitting conclusion to the discussion and an awesome motto for life, rich in its simplicity.
You found it, the light, after darkness. You are linked to others in the same path. ❤️
I really appreciate this comment, and I hope you won't mind me gently clarifying that it was on Jewel's second/ followup album, which I remember because I was a teenage girl in Alaska when the first one came out and it was HUGE, and so the followup was also a big deal. :) I haven't heard that song in a million years and am listening to it right now. Incredible lyrics. And what a good motto for a family to share. Thanks for sharing it with us here, and thanks for sending me on a serious flashback (though I realise that wasn't your intension). :)
Good choice not to off yourself, especially because of something that is an illusion, 'the future.'
Accept to the extent that you can what life offers without judgement and without projecting it into the illusory future. Do this and you will improve the circumstances of your life AND the lives of all.
Your small acts of kindness send tectonic shockwaves through the very fabric of the cosmos.
One aspect of the cosmic joke that has revealed itself to me is the meaning that can be discovered within the true meaninglessness of existence...
If fundamental reality is unconditional love or absolute oneness, that means there is no such thing as right or wrong, black or white, or good and evil; as those are all "conditions" of separation that we have applied. It also means you are perfect in every way, and you are, in fact, inseparable and indistinguishable with the infinite, with pure creation.
Reality is only meaningless because it awaits eagerly for your divine hand to paint meaning into it's blank cosmic canvas. When you choose kindness, you are defining reality in that kindness. This is how powerful you are. Your choice defines meaning.
So on behalf of the universe, thank you for choosing.
And thank you for providing me the opportunity to attempt kindness in my own strange way.
I can relate to everything you're saying. And I'm not sure what to say about all of it. Certainly, I'm not qualified to help with suicidal thoughts - though again, I feel what you're saying. What I can say that is relevant to what we've all been talking about in the comments here is that the psilocybin ceremonies gave me an opportunity to take a break from seeing the world's suffering from my individual perspective, and understand it differently - as an inherent feature across all of evolution. And that is something I am grateful for (though still figuring out how to integrate). Also, you mentioned a wheel of suffering. Have you read Thich Nhat Hanh's The Heart of Buddha's Teaching? It was recommended to me by a fellow who worked at the Zen Center in San Francisco, and it does a really good job of summarising Buddha's ideas around suffering, and the eightfold path to liberation from it. Maybe you're already familiar with all this. But I think the eightfold path could offer really rich material to consider if your aim is to manifest kindness in the world. It's something I should return to myself.
absolutely adore this for you! i've been subscribed to your husband's the egg & the rock and was so excited to read that you started a substack for integration. i've been microdosing psilocybin for about 6ish months, i feel the best i've ever felt, the most me i've ever felt, the most in love with everything i've ever felt. i also had a big trip on saturday with friends and it feels weird to just go back to sending my silly little emails. all this is to say, i'm glad you're here and i'm glad to be here with you.
i actually am in the process of moving to become a psychedelic therapist. i live in the US and Oregon just legalized psilocybin assisted therapy, and i received so many messages that that was the path for me. it's still a long journey, and the early centers aren't looking super promising with ceremonies costing thousands. i want to figure out how to make this medicine accessible because - wtf, they're so abundant and the mushrooms want to be in community with us.
something top-of-mind for me with your post as well as what Oregon is trying to move through with the recent legislation, is equity. historically, indigenous societies across the globe have used psilocybin (or other psychedelics) in ceremonies. then, at least for the US, we deeply criminalized all psychedelics, which to me is a colonizing act. i think psychedelics but psilocybin in particular could be a path forward for healing and decolonizing collectively. there is such a huge reckoning in the US of racial & gender equity, of justice, and i think we collectively need to be able to face the hard shit that's happened in history and create a society that is completely different from what we've seen.
Wow, thanks for your super positive greeting. I haven't tried microdosing yet but you sure do make it sound great. I'm very interested to see what happens with this new fungal gold rush they have going on in Oregon. Psychedelic therapist is an awesome path to be on, and I wish you every luck with it. I have an idea that I'd like to be an integration coach, but we'll have to see how things go. I was looking into some courses in the States and here in Europe, and yeah, I know what you mean, holy cats can they get pricey. Sounds like you and I have a lot to talk about, and a lot of notes to swap. Looking forward to it.
also very much looking forward to it! we may be on opposite sides of the earth but this globe is so teeny tiny, after all. the penguin paragraph made me cry. thank you for being here & sharing your journey with us~
Ah, I'm so glad you liked the penguin metaphor! My first instinct is always to make people laugh, but I'm secretly delighted if I can make them cry as well (in a good way, obvs). :)
I have been following your husband's substack, The Egg & The Rock and got this as a cross-post and am beyond glad I did.
I just recently had a magic mushroom experience myself that was similar to yours with the laughing. I found myself just sitting in awe and watching the universe open up to me and teach me all kinds of things and the only thing I could really do was laugh. I would contemplate what I was seeing and being told but all I could do was chuckle. Some big deep belly laughs, some minor giggles, but everything resolved out to a big humorous joke. As I would learn more, the funnier everything became.
I have been working through this experience and the integration into my life and the laughter was something I could not wrap my head around. I have learned over the years that laughter is a very common coping mechanism for me in uncomfortable situations but this wasn't that. I was never once uncomfortable and was not fixating either like you said. I was genuinely being cracked up by all these "answers to the Universe" I was being shown. So I have been trying to reconcile what the laughing meant and then this stack enters my email inbox unprompted.
Like you said, integration is different for everyone, but hearing your experience with laughter while tripping, has given me more to ponder with my own experience. Also the fact that it came to me unprompted as I've already been working through this myself just feels like the universe helping me out. I am greatly looking forward to begin this journey with you and anyone else who joins this community!
Oh my goodness, we went to the same place! Amazing! This makes me so happy. I'm so glad you found your way here, and can't wait to swap more notes about these things.
As I am reading this and decided to reply, a tree frog began croaking nearby. I asked some time ago for animal guides to help me know where I am to go, what I am to do and how I am to BE in this world. Your piece resonated deeply with me. I cried a few tears and a big smile is upon my face. I love words, research, adventure, open people and mushrooms, as well. They don’t overwhelm with anxiety and worry the way my last LSD trip some 30 years ago did. I spent a large part of my life putting brain altering chemicals into my body. First alcohol, MJ, LSD and eventually OxyContin and Benzodiazepines. After getting sober and being sober for a few years, I began experimenting with mushrooms again. Not Willy nilly popping them whenever, like the old days, but for purpose and understanding. I have been able to heal some of my most vivid memories and pain through touching the memories with the mushrooms. I would love to be part of a community of study buddies with you. Thank you for this piece and thank your husband for sharing it with his readers. I just recently found the Egg and the Rock and that also resonates deeply. THANK YOU BOTH.
Can't argue with a tree frog! :) Thank you for this very rich reply. I too tried a variety of substances when I was younger, and not one of them helped me - except the mushrooms. I'm so glad you've also found them so healing. And look forward to building a community with you. Thanks for being here!
Coming over from the 'egg and the rock' and am really glad to find this!
Did some dabbling back in college and these continue to be very nice memories but acknowledge what you say regarding intention and ceremony. It's different.
Read Michael Pollan's book when it came out and was deeply struck. Searched out a therapist who has done great research on plant/fungal medicine for trauma, depression and the like. But I am one step removed, even with the therapist as it's not legal to directly use psilocybin or the like in therapy - not yet anyway.
I have friends with whom I discuss this but none of them are 'cosmic study' oriented. I have even spoke to my dad who has come through some grim cancer therapies over the past year...
As I said - one step removed. I have nominally joined maps.org to keep up on the topic. Listen to podcasts and read stuff by Stamets and McKenna, etc.
What's holding me back? I don't have a place. Live / work in metro NYC and feel the need to have a space to do this. I guess by space that also implies community.
NYC has ketamine clinics and I gave it a shot - quite interesting but not the place. Felt like I was in a dentist chair and was deeply aware I was in a building a few blocks north of Wall Street in Gotham. Not where I wanted to be. It was fun and interesting but missing a context.
In addition I am interested (long term) in the whole idea of becoming a facilitator. I am an EMT on the weekends and software engineer during the week. The EMT experience is leading me somewhere...
The very idea of psilocybin being illegal, in a country absolutely up to its eyeballs in every kind of drug, is just madness. It's not legal here either, but I'm very lucky that it's an easy train ride to the Netherlands. Have not tried ketamine. Your description of the clinic is wonderful and made me laugh, and doesn't make me feel in a rush to go try it myself. Software engineer and EMT? That sounds crazy-busy, but I can imagine that having two very different jobs could be kind of balancing, if tiring. I'll be interested to hear more about where the EMT path is leading you, and let's swap notes about facilitator stuff, too, down the line. I'm thinking integration coach is more what I'd be suited for, but that's partly just because I respect the work facilitators do so much, it seems like very big shoes to fill!
Thanks for being here. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
looks like they will have future classes in the facilitator space so I will be watching it.
The EMT experience has little to do with the facilitator path directly - it is commonly an introductory job for the medical filed in general and I am taking some of the nursing prerequisites right now.
I don't know if it is a realistic goal but I am pretty intrigued by this whole field.
You make excellent points about the craziness of the legal situation. Psilocybin is not toxic, afaik, and is not meant to be taken in the same long term ways as some SSRIs, etc.
I hope the ibogaine, psilocybin, mdma, ketimine trials all continue and that we have good alternatives for the drugs we are currently overusing for depression, anxiety and ttrauma.
Reading about the NYU cancer trials or how Stamets overcame his stammer - shows this can help in ways that little else can.
I have a tab open on my laptop for that exact class! Haven't signed up yet though. Have you done any of it yet? And yes, I saw that they're trying to develop a bunch of online classes - one of which is about integration. I definitely want to do that one if and when it's finally up.
I just watched that Fantastic Fungi documentary about Stamets on Netflix, and he tells that story about magic mushrooms and stuttering. Really amazing.
I know what you mean about not knowing if goals are 'realistic'. One of the gifts of psilocybin though is showing us that our reality is more pliable than we tend to let ourselves believe. At any rate, I'm glad you're following your curiosity. It reaffirms that I'm not *entirely* mad to be following mine. :)
Thank you for sharing your experience, and creating this wonderful space. I find it odd of all things, within the span of a few weeks, The End poem has led me to here, and yet it feels very fitting to my journey today.. perhaps it is just that the work spoke so deeply to me in a way as these themes of discovery beyond our physical vessels do.
In my short life so far, I realize I have much to learn - truly I always will - and I have been fascinated with the workings of the universe and where I fit into all of it since I was a young teen. I struggle to find peers, especially around my age, that share similar sentiment. In the last several months especially, I have delved into spiritual, sometimes very esoteric readings and arts, and somehow what's often nonsense to others (and likely would have been to me just a few years ago) makes complete sense to me, in not a way that words can describe, but in a way I feel deeply inside me, far beyond spoken language.
So to be notified of this beautiful project, to read what you have shared, and to be invited into this space feels, especially now, like something of a cosmic gift. I will certainly be tuning in, I am ever interested in how this community grows and develops, and hope to someday, through my own discovery and creation, gift such feeling to others...
Hi there. I know what you're saying about how things can seem like nonsense and total sense at the same time. That's another manifestation of that duality of existence that I was experiencing so intensely in my ceremony vision. I'm really fascinated by it. I guess part of what you're talking about is down to how our minds and bodies are operating on so many different levels, and each has its own logic. And we tend to get taught that only this one, tip of the iceberg level of consciousness has a valid logic. But we can feel that isn't true. Though how we investigate, interpret, and integrate those other layers is a befuddling business. But I think being curious is the fundamental thing, and it sounds like you're going strong in that department, and that the universe wants to lead you in interesting directions as a result. I'm glad it's led you here, and hope you'll find this a useful, good space.
Re: Integration. The word, as I interpret it, is synonymous with 'oneness', and oneness refers to the connectedness of everything to everything. Everything that exists in the world of form. Everything that is not in the world of form. Everything that is bound by time and space. Everything that is not bound by time and space. That which the word oneness points to can not be held by the mind, but it can be experienced. It can be felt. We (everything) is one. We just have to feel it.
Thanks for sharing this! I’ve been meditating the past year or so :) I think Integration is something I need as well! Looking forward to hearing from you
I've made many attempts to establish a meditation practice over the last several years, and have completely failed to do so. So I hugely admire anyone who can show up for their sitting on a regular basis. I just had a little knee surgery last month, which I'm hoping means I'll be able to sit cross-legged without pain, after years of not being able to, and maybe that will help. But yes, I think meditation and integration are definitely a good combination. What style(s) of meditation do you practice?
I thought about how to describe my meditation practice for a bit, and I don't think I have a very neat description. I like to try lots of different meditations from both secular and spiritual texts! I've found a great foothold with focus building activities such as window-gazing, candle-gazing, & counting. I also learned abdominal bracing exercises in physical therapy, which help me better engage my diaphragm, so I now have a better experience with breath-based exercises.
Breathing meditations help build focus, which makes it easier to do grounding and physical exercise, which build breathing skills, and so on. It's a compounding practice! At first, I was only able to focus on a meditation for around 20 minutes once a month, but now it's a lot easier. If it's something you're interested in, don't feel like you have to sit either! Standing meditation, tai chi, building abdomen strength, or even lying down are all perfectly acceptable for many meditation goals.
I like this approach of trying lots and lots of methods. I went to the San Francisco Zen Center several years ago, and enjoyed their style of zazen, but never managed to sustain the practice on my own. Candle-gazing sounds very enticing. I shall try it before the week is out! (But not this exact moment, as it's bedtime here and I would 100% fall asleep. Which would not be good with a candle burning.) Thanks for the inspiration. And thank you, yes, the knee is mending very well. :)
I'm in my 70s and eager to take a guided journey with mushrooms. I did some psychedelics many years ago as a young woman of the 60s and 70s, but it was for "fun" and now I'm looking for much more than that. About two years ago Oregon legalized psilocybin and I've been watching to see when they can open therapeutic centers for guided experiences. For those who are feeling despair at life, I know the feeling. I can tell you that life is very hard. And there are many times when it seems to simply be a slog. But that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or wrong with life. I hope you can hang in there. Life seems so amazing, beautiful and meaningful from here.
Hi Bonny. Thanks for this comment. Yeah, I'm very interested to see how things go in Oregon. I get the feeling it's going to just explode with all the new activity, and that that will carry over into other states pretty quickly.
Once upon a time, a few days ago, I went for a lunchtime walk along the beach. Something sparkled in the water near my feet, and I reached down to pick it up—a little bottle, carefully sealed, holding a neatly rolled slip of paper. An invitation! I read it and re-read it, smoothing the curled edges with my fingers. I looked up and out over the ocean toward the horizon, then down at my phone. Break time was over, and I slipped both bottle and note into my pocket. I felt them there as the days passed. In stolen moments, haltingly, one clumsy scrap at a time, I began to make a tiny boat.
Mushrooms are a gentle friend of mine--intermittent as-needed micro-doses have been truly therapeutic over the past few years--but the experiences I’m working to integrate have occurred without ingesting any substances: mind-bending, joyous, weirdly insightful, deeply connective, life-giving experiences.
Is it possible to grow and change through them?
How can I live their gifts—and give their gifts--amidst everything life throws at me?
May something surprising, beautiful, and genuinely useful arise here, on this little island of intention.
Deana Gurney, Portland, Maine. Saw your post via The Egg and the Rock.
Definitely one vote for 'Attempt to keep the conduit open even in the world of men', as it were. I'm not sure when it started - I've done a healthy share of LSD & Mushrooms over the last 5-6 years - but these days I notice that that conduit is always a little open.
Oh, sure, I can't commune with Entities and the like the same way I can when actually tripping - but it's like that connection to the Light of Origin remains always open. Like the door is ajar, and in doing so I can sort of listen in to what's on the other side.
It leaves me feeling much more at ease, because generally what I've found on the other side of that door is far more positive than not. Oh, there are absolutely things to be wary of - and it is something I would caution many against, because I think it takes a prepared mind to really be ready to surf that ocean, especially given the likelihood of storms and thousand-foot waves, and losing your balance in those times is Not Great.
But if you are, well - yea. I have at least one Cosmic Study Buddy, and those times we both synchronize resonate a lot.
Anyhoo, definite subscribe, and hopefully will upgrade to paid soon enough. A lot of what you wrote here I've had my own similar experiences of, and being able to relate on that level makes life a little less lonely~
Listening through a door ajar sounds like a good place to be. I hope you're overhearing lots of the Universe's best secrets. :) And yes, I've also found the other side more positive than not - despite, as you say, the hazards of those depths - and I'm very glad this has also been the case for you. And I'm delighted if any of my writing makes life at all less lonely - thank you for joining in here, and making life a little less lonely for me, too.
Funny how your journey with psychedelic shrooms coincides with my journey. Though, I have been experimenting with smaller daily doses and now and then larger doses. I have noticed that they have helped me with my everyday wellbeing and creativity. I also start my day with Lions Mane mushrooms in my coffee and micro dose 3 to 4 plus more days a week. Have you seen Fantastic Fungi and How To Change Your Mind? They were very enlightening documentaries. It is very refreshing to see scientific studies going forward and their findings are showing beneficial results. I don’t think it will be long before more States besides Oregon here in the U.S will be legalized.
Big kudos to you writing and reaching out about this subject. It’s in my opinion that if they are consumed mindfully by more people, they could be helpful to many societies ills.
I watched How To Change Your Mind last year, and just watched Fantastic Fungi a few weeks ago. I enjoyed the hell out of both of them. Have been a fan of Pollan's work for a long time, but didn't know Stamet's work until I saw the doc. I really have so much to learn, but am delighted and astonished by so much of what I've already come across. One thing I do want to learn more about is the whole world of mushrooms that are medicinal without being 'magic' per se, like the Lion's Mane you mention. Do you notice anything different since you started taking them?
I agree, there is so much to learn about mushrooms and fungi. Paul Stamet is one fascinating individual with his amazing knowledge on this topic. His story of overcoming his debilitating struggle with stuttering is very inspiring on the benefits of psilocybin. His claim that Turkey Tail helped save his mother’s life from cancer is extraordinary too.
I feel like the Lion’s Mane has helped but, I also incorporate taking MCT oil, Fish oil, and Magnesium L-Threonate for brain function. Trying everything I can to keep this aging brain as functional as can be. I do feel like micro dosing has had a big impact on my everyday emotional wellbeing. Also, sometimes I add a mix of a plethora of medicinal shroom powder to water to drink, and I eat Shitake mushrooms a few days a week for they are high in vitamin D.
I’m inspired to watch Fantastic Fungi again. I’ve already seen it a few times. It always blows me away watching it. Maybe I should watch it on shrooms? The visuals already are spectacular. It might take it to another level, eh?!
Just saw this TED talk this morning. Surprised to learn what I was doing on my own is called “stacking”, and has the most effective results. https://youtu.be/vQuuY9xmzjg
hello!
I'm very sleepy so this may not be coherent, but I read your post and felt inspired, and it reminded me of some of the many hopes and dreams I've had for myself that I've lost track of along the way with all the real world drek. and that I'd like to find even one or two of them again, if I could.
I'm not sure how much I can keep up with anything, but I would like to at least start by being inspired by your words, because that feels like a good place to start, and it felt good to read them and percolate what they mean.
thank you for sharing your experiences. ❤
First of all, 'coherent' is a tough thing to attain in any stage of wakefulness, and I think you've done just fine here. Second, thank you! As I said in the post, I had no idea who I was casting my message out to, so if the first reply is to say it's inspired someone, that is a best case scenario, and will now inspire me as I work on the next post! So thank you for you words, and thanks for being here. I find it hard to keep track of my hopes and dreams as well, so I hope this will be a space where we can help remind each other.
I often find that even when I *am* feeling coherent, my words seem to skate around and miss other people's comprehension, so I tend to over-apologise for it. but now I'm wondering if maybe that's more a result that comes when I try to connect with people on completely different wavelengths? anyway, thank you for reassuring me.
I feel even less coherent now, to be honest, but... I wanted to say that I'm glad I inspired you. even when I'm not sure what I want or hope or dream, one of my core concepts is encouraging people and making people happy. I've always believed that if I can make one person smile or feel good or feel hope, I've changed the world for the better that day. it's something that keeps me going.
I've just been reading some stories in a (story-centric) game I play that touched me emotionally and made me cry, and it always takes me awhile to process and figure out what I'm feeling, so I'm a little emotionally churned up and not sure what I'm aiming for here, but... I'm glad that I found your post (thanks to your husband, like several others have said) and I'm glad that I felt able to comment... and I'm glad you replied. :) it's good to be here. I'm reading everyone's comments with interest even if my words are flailing in and out of reach.
(I am disabled and mostly bedbound with chronic fatigue and chronic pain, but I have seen positive mention of psilocybin quite a bit in various communities for people with my conditions. I'm not sure it's legal where I am right now, but I'm listening *very* closely and intently because there are very few mainstream medicine options available for me so I mostly have to figure things out for myself.)
I'm sorry to hear of your bed-bound situation. That sounds bloody rough. I'm not as aware of the research around psilocybin and physical health as I am of all the research being done around mental health (obviously, the two are very interconnected, but you know what I mean). So I'd be very interested to hear more of what you're hearing in that area. Every body is so different of course, but I will say for myself, I've never had a single side effect from psilocybin, and I'm super sensitive to alcohol, meds, pollen, caffeine, soap, bandaids... the list of things in this world that make me nauseous, itchy, and/or tired seems to always be getting longer.
I'm very glad you found your way to Julian's work. I've been living with him for nine years and can vouch that his soul is as good as his mind is brilliant. Which is to say, he's a really good dude.
Also, I have to ask - is Cassiel your real name? Wings of Desire is my favourite film, and there's an angel in it called Cassiel, and I've always thought that was such a nice name. Nick Cave wrote a song for the character, and who wouldn't want to have Nick Cave singing their name?! https://open.spotify.com/track/1XgDmam0QKLP32N5R6jpHr?si=7230eb35e23b4544
I hope you don't mind if I reply to your last comment first, but I got very excited when I read it! :D
Cassiel is now the name on all my paperwork... but I chose it myself as a teen, and I chose it specifically from that exact Nick Cave song! I came to Wings of Desire from being a Nick Cave fan, and loved the movie, and I was in the process of reinventing myself (due to trauma) at around the time Faraway, So Close and the single of Cassiel's Song first came out. It was so haunting and stuck with me, and the name felt like "me", so I started using it for everything. I changed it legally a few years later when I was able, and have never regretted it. I love my name, but in all these years, you are the first person to ever mention the actual original song and character that I chose it from!
Okay, now that I've got that out of my system...!
(also just to note, have been writing this in pieces over time while dozing off-and-on in bed, apologies if long or rambly.)
Thank you for your kind words and compassion. My situation both sucks and it is what it is. It's hard to describe simply, I guess. Some days I'm a wreck, other days I'm okay. I take each day as it comes.
There's not as much research into psilocybin and physical health, but it's definitely happening, and there's a lot of positive anecdotal evidence in the patient communities. I've read about it relieving chronic pain (some getting months of relief from one dose), and some people with post-viral conditions (which I have) have seen huge longer-term improvements in their symptoms and quality of life. I believe there's some psilocybin for fibromyalgia trials going on at the moment that were directly inspired by all the good stories from patients. So I'm very interested, except it's just so hard to access!
Also not to sound like I'm diagnosing over the internet or anything, but your list of things that makes you ill and the fact that it's growing longer makes me want to ask if you have heard of MCAS? (mast cell activation syndrome)
It's another condition I have, and is only more recently coming to be better understood, but what you're describing sounds similar to what I experienced in the leadup to getting diagnosed, so I couldn't help asking. Mine reached breaking point of having to wear gloves to touch anything and reacting to almost all foods before I found answers, but antihistamines and also quercetin in particular are very helpful; I take the latter daily and it's done SO much to improve how well I cope with the things I'm sensitive to.
Anyway, sorry if I'm sounding pushy or nosy, but wanted to mention it on the off chance it ends up being helpful!
When I first read Julian's post about the Minecraft situation, I felt incredibly inspired, and uplifted, and touched, to the point I wrote him an email which is something I almost never do, as I get very easily anxious and shy. (and he very kindly replied, and was lovely.) I felt a similar but different sort of inspired and uplifted from your post here, but I don't know if I would have had the courage to comment if not for that experience with Julian. So I am feeling very grateful to you both right now.
(I struggle to have the energy to reply like this regularly, but sometimes the stars align, or something aligns, and magic seems to happen. So even if I'm not able to continue to comment, or interact as much, thank you for being a part of the magic that made the stars align for this, right here. Because it has already made a difference to my day, and my week.)
I was the other way around - I saw Wings of Desire, became obsessed with it, and then became a huge Cave fan. I can't believe I'm the only one to guess your name origin! What a shame - it's so good.
I don't think MCAS sounds like something I have. But thanks for checking. And sorry if you do have it - that sounds dreadful. Really interesting to hear about all the research on psilocybin and chronic ailments. The fact that it's hard for you to access the stuff is obscene, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before that changes completely.
I'm so glad Julian and I have both been able to offer you something positive. You've made a positive difference in my week, too.
p.s. Speaking of Nick Cave songs as namesakes, we've had a Deana join in on the comments. I know it's only one N r/t two, but I'm counting it! :)
A sad story, ending on a hopeful note.
Earlier this year, around my thirty-third birthday, I wanted to kill myself. I needed to die.
I have been suicidal many times throughout my life, but this time was different. I was not in despair about some personal calamity, I was certain that there was no future. I had come to a realisation that in almost every sphere of life, economic, social, political, environmental - we, human society, had borrowed against the future, bet everything on future generations solving current crises, and the future had now come crawling back saying "I haven't anything left to give!" I felt that we had simultaneously demanded that future generations solve our problems AND stripped them of any opportunities or resources to do so.
I felt that we were all trapped within a wheel of suffering, every object around us the product of exploitation, slavery and inhumanity. That the device I'm writing this on, or equally any other object, was built by young people in terrible conditions, paid almost nothing, and the most they could hope for would be an education that put them into insurmountable debt and put them through so much stress that they'd break down crying!
Which happens every semester.
And a construction company went bankrupt recently and just before they did, they were underbidding on contracts, taking money to do jobs they KNEW they couldn't afford to finish, hoping that in the meantime something - anything - would swoop down and save them! That they'd be RESCUED by the future.
And one of my students sent me an email saying they're sorry, they're so so sorry but they can't make it through the course and they had to drop out. And I didn't know how to go into school the next day and face my students.
So instead I broke down crying and told my wife I needed to go to the emergency room, where I asked some very nice and caring nurses and doctors to kill me.
Because I couldn't bear to be part of this world. Because I felt that there was no chance of me - or anyone else - doing NEARLY enough good to outweigh the suffering - the blood and viscera we wade through each day simply by being a part of a society that accepts and runs on near-slavery and environmental damage and sheer inhumanity.
And I still don't know if there is.
But I'm going to try and be as kind as I can be, every single day and hope that... it helps? That it makes a difference?
It almost doesn't feel like that's enough. But I'm going to do my best anyway.
I don't know what to do
I guess I'm saying this here because I was very affected by the 'egg', and i feel it relates, in as much as its a question of _purpose_
“Because I could not bear to be a part of this world”. I understand that statement on a visceral level. Thank you for being open and willing to keep living and being kind and open. You are enough- I don’t know if that was only meant for you, or for me, or for all. But it is truth, I feel that in my bones. ❤️
thank you
My family members have a WhatsApp chat that one day turned to the meaning of life and after many opinions and theories were shared my wise sister quoted singer Jewel from her genius youthful first album: "In the end, only kindness matters".
This was a fitting conclusion to the discussion and an awesome motto for life, rich in its simplicity.
You found it, the light, after darkness. You are linked to others in the same path. ❤️
I really appreciate this comment, and I hope you won't mind me gently clarifying that it was on Jewel's second/ followup album, which I remember because I was a teenage girl in Alaska when the first one came out and it was HUGE, and so the followup was also a big deal. :) I haven't heard that song in a million years and am listening to it right now. Incredible lyrics. And what a good motto for a family to share. Thanks for sharing it with us here, and thanks for sending me on a serious flashback (though I realise that wasn't your intension). :)
Good choice not to off yourself, especially because of something that is an illusion, 'the future.'
Accept to the extent that you can what life offers without judgement and without projecting it into the illusory future. Do this and you will improve the circumstances of your life AND the lives of all.
Your small acts of kindness send tectonic shockwaves through the very fabric of the cosmos.
One aspect of the cosmic joke that has revealed itself to me is the meaning that can be discovered within the true meaninglessness of existence...
If fundamental reality is unconditional love or absolute oneness, that means there is no such thing as right or wrong, black or white, or good and evil; as those are all "conditions" of separation that we have applied. It also means you are perfect in every way, and you are, in fact, inseparable and indistinguishable with the infinite, with pure creation.
Reality is only meaningless because it awaits eagerly for your divine hand to paint meaning into it's blank cosmic canvas. When you choose kindness, you are defining reality in that kindness. This is how powerful you are. Your choice defines meaning.
So on behalf of the universe, thank you for choosing.
And thank you for providing me the opportunity to attempt kindness in my own strange way.
I can relate to everything you're saying. And I'm not sure what to say about all of it. Certainly, I'm not qualified to help with suicidal thoughts - though again, I feel what you're saying. What I can say that is relevant to what we've all been talking about in the comments here is that the psilocybin ceremonies gave me an opportunity to take a break from seeing the world's suffering from my individual perspective, and understand it differently - as an inherent feature across all of evolution. And that is something I am grateful for (though still figuring out how to integrate). Also, you mentioned a wheel of suffering. Have you read Thich Nhat Hanh's The Heart of Buddha's Teaching? It was recommended to me by a fellow who worked at the Zen Center in San Francisco, and it does a really good job of summarising Buddha's ideas around suffering, and the eightfold path to liberation from it. Maybe you're already familiar with all this. But I think the eightfold path could offer really rich material to consider if your aim is to manifest kindness in the world. It's something I should return to myself.
this just to say that I'm safe and thank you all for hearing me
absolutely adore this for you! i've been subscribed to your husband's the egg & the rock and was so excited to read that you started a substack for integration. i've been microdosing psilocybin for about 6ish months, i feel the best i've ever felt, the most me i've ever felt, the most in love with everything i've ever felt. i also had a big trip on saturday with friends and it feels weird to just go back to sending my silly little emails. all this is to say, i'm glad you're here and i'm glad to be here with you.
i actually am in the process of moving to become a psychedelic therapist. i live in the US and Oregon just legalized psilocybin assisted therapy, and i received so many messages that that was the path for me. it's still a long journey, and the early centers aren't looking super promising with ceremonies costing thousands. i want to figure out how to make this medicine accessible because - wtf, they're so abundant and the mushrooms want to be in community with us.
something top-of-mind for me with your post as well as what Oregon is trying to move through with the recent legislation, is equity. historically, indigenous societies across the globe have used psilocybin (or other psychedelics) in ceremonies. then, at least for the US, we deeply criminalized all psychedelics, which to me is a colonizing act. i think psychedelics but psilocybin in particular could be a path forward for healing and decolonizing collectively. there is such a huge reckoning in the US of racial & gender equity, of justice, and i think we collectively need to be able to face the hard shit that's happened in history and create a society that is completely different from what we've seen.
Wow, thanks for your super positive greeting. I haven't tried microdosing yet but you sure do make it sound great. I'm very interested to see what happens with this new fungal gold rush they have going on in Oregon. Psychedelic therapist is an awesome path to be on, and I wish you every luck with it. I have an idea that I'd like to be an integration coach, but we'll have to see how things go. I was looking into some courses in the States and here in Europe, and yeah, I know what you mean, holy cats can they get pricey. Sounds like you and I have a lot to talk about, and a lot of notes to swap. Looking forward to it.
also very much looking forward to it! we may be on opposite sides of the earth but this globe is so teeny tiny, after all. the penguin paragraph made me cry. thank you for being here & sharing your journey with us~
Ah, I'm so glad you liked the penguin metaphor! My first instinct is always to make people laugh, but I'm secretly delighted if I can make them cry as well (in a good way, obvs). :)
I have been following your husband's substack, The Egg & The Rock and got this as a cross-post and am beyond glad I did.
I just recently had a magic mushroom experience myself that was similar to yours with the laughing. I found myself just sitting in awe and watching the universe open up to me and teach me all kinds of things and the only thing I could really do was laugh. I would contemplate what I was seeing and being told but all I could do was chuckle. Some big deep belly laughs, some minor giggles, but everything resolved out to a big humorous joke. As I would learn more, the funnier everything became.
I have been working through this experience and the integration into my life and the laughter was something I could not wrap my head around. I have learned over the years that laughter is a very common coping mechanism for me in uncomfortable situations but this wasn't that. I was never once uncomfortable and was not fixating either like you said. I was genuinely being cracked up by all these "answers to the Universe" I was being shown. So I have been trying to reconcile what the laughing meant and then this stack enters my email inbox unprompted.
Like you said, integration is different for everyone, but hearing your experience with laughter while tripping, has given me more to ponder with my own experience. Also the fact that it came to me unprompted as I've already been working through this myself just feels like the universe helping me out. I am greatly looking forward to begin this journey with you and anyone else who joins this community!
Oh my goodness, we went to the same place! Amazing! This makes me so happy. I'm so glad you found your way here, and can't wait to swap more notes about these things.
As I am reading this and decided to reply, a tree frog began croaking nearby. I asked some time ago for animal guides to help me know where I am to go, what I am to do and how I am to BE in this world. Your piece resonated deeply with me. I cried a few tears and a big smile is upon my face. I love words, research, adventure, open people and mushrooms, as well. They don’t overwhelm with anxiety and worry the way my last LSD trip some 30 years ago did. I spent a large part of my life putting brain altering chemicals into my body. First alcohol, MJ, LSD and eventually OxyContin and Benzodiazepines. After getting sober and being sober for a few years, I began experimenting with mushrooms again. Not Willy nilly popping them whenever, like the old days, but for purpose and understanding. I have been able to heal some of my most vivid memories and pain through touching the memories with the mushrooms. I would love to be part of a community of study buddies with you. Thank you for this piece and thank your husband for sharing it with his readers. I just recently found the Egg and the Rock and that also resonates deeply. THANK YOU BOTH.
Can't argue with a tree frog! :) Thank you for this very rich reply. I too tried a variety of substances when I was younger, and not one of them helped me - except the mushrooms. I'm so glad you've also found them so healing. And look forward to building a community with you. Thanks for being here!
Coming over from the 'egg and the rock' and am really glad to find this!
Did some dabbling back in college and these continue to be very nice memories but acknowledge what you say regarding intention and ceremony. It's different.
Read Michael Pollan's book when it came out and was deeply struck. Searched out a therapist who has done great research on plant/fungal medicine for trauma, depression and the like. But I am one step removed, even with the therapist as it's not legal to directly use psilocybin or the like in therapy - not yet anyway.
I have friends with whom I discuss this but none of them are 'cosmic study' oriented. I have even spoke to my dad who has come through some grim cancer therapies over the past year...
As I said - one step removed. I have nominally joined maps.org to keep up on the topic. Listen to podcasts and read stuff by Stamets and McKenna, etc.
What's holding me back? I don't have a place. Live / work in metro NYC and feel the need to have a space to do this. I guess by space that also implies community.
NYC has ketamine clinics and I gave it a shot - quite interesting but not the place. Felt like I was in a dentist chair and was deeply aware I was in a building a few blocks north of Wall Street in Gotham. Not where I wanted to be. It was fun and interesting but missing a context.
In addition I am interested (long term) in the whole idea of becoming a facilitator. I am an EMT on the weekends and software engineer during the week. The EMT experience is leading me somewhere...
So this substack is very much of interest.
The very idea of psilocybin being illegal, in a country absolutely up to its eyeballs in every kind of drug, is just madness. It's not legal here either, but I'm very lucky that it's an easy train ride to the Netherlands. Have not tried ketamine. Your description of the clinic is wonderful and made me laugh, and doesn't make me feel in a rush to go try it myself. Software engineer and EMT? That sounds crazy-busy, but I can imagine that having two very different jobs could be kind of balancing, if tiring. I'll be interested to hear more about where the EMT path is leading you, and let's swap notes about facilitator stuff, too, down the line. I'm thinking integration coach is more what I'd be suited for, but that's partly just because I respect the work facilitators do so much, it seems like very big shoes to fill!
Thanks for being here. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
I signed up for a maps class:
https://maps.org/psychedelic-fundamentals/
looks like they will have future classes in the facilitator space so I will be watching it.
The EMT experience has little to do with the facilitator path directly - it is commonly an introductory job for the medical filed in general and I am taking some of the nursing prerequisites right now.
I don't know if it is a realistic goal but I am pretty intrigued by this whole field.
You make excellent points about the craziness of the legal situation. Psilocybin is not toxic, afaik, and is not meant to be taken in the same long term ways as some SSRIs, etc.
I hope the ibogaine, psilocybin, mdma, ketimine trials all continue and that we have good alternatives for the drugs we are currently overusing for depression, anxiety and ttrauma.
Reading about the NYU cancer trials or how Stamets overcame his stammer - shows this can help in ways that little else can.
I am looking forward to this substack!
I have a tab open on my laptop for that exact class! Haven't signed up yet though. Have you done any of it yet? And yes, I saw that they're trying to develop a bunch of online classes - one of which is about integration. I definitely want to do that one if and when it's finally up.
I just watched that Fantastic Fungi documentary about Stamets on Netflix, and he tells that story about magic mushrooms and stuttering. Really amazing.
I know what you mean about not knowing if goals are 'realistic'. One of the gifts of psilocybin though is showing us that our reality is more pliable than we tend to let ourselves believe. At any rate, I'm glad you're following your curiosity. It reaffirms that I'm not *entirely* mad to be following mine. :)
Solana,
Thank you for sharing your experience, and creating this wonderful space. I find it odd of all things, within the span of a few weeks, The End poem has led me to here, and yet it feels very fitting to my journey today.. perhaps it is just that the work spoke so deeply to me in a way as these themes of discovery beyond our physical vessels do.
In my short life so far, I realize I have much to learn - truly I always will - and I have been fascinated with the workings of the universe and where I fit into all of it since I was a young teen. I struggle to find peers, especially around my age, that share similar sentiment. In the last several months especially, I have delved into spiritual, sometimes very esoteric readings and arts, and somehow what's often nonsense to others (and likely would have been to me just a few years ago) makes complete sense to me, in not a way that words can describe, but in a way I feel deeply inside me, far beyond spoken language.
So to be notified of this beautiful project, to read what you have shared, and to be invited into this space feels, especially now, like something of a cosmic gift. I will certainly be tuning in, I am ever interested in how this community grows and develops, and hope to someday, through my own discovery and creation, gift such feeling to others...
Hi there. I know what you're saying about how things can seem like nonsense and total sense at the same time. That's another manifestation of that duality of existence that I was experiencing so intensely in my ceremony vision. I'm really fascinated by it. I guess part of what you're talking about is down to how our minds and bodies are operating on so many different levels, and each has its own logic. And we tend to get taught that only this one, tip of the iceberg level of consciousness has a valid logic. But we can feel that isn't true. Though how we investigate, interpret, and integrate those other layers is a befuddling business. But I think being curious is the fundamental thing, and it sounds like you're going strong in that department, and that the universe wants to lead you in interesting directions as a result. I'm glad it's led you here, and hope you'll find this a useful, good space.
Re: Integration. The word, as I interpret it, is synonymous with 'oneness', and oneness refers to the connectedness of everything to everything. Everything that exists in the world of form. Everything that is not in the world of form. Everything that is bound by time and space. Everything that is not bound by time and space. That which the word oneness points to can not be held by the mind, but it can be experienced. It can be felt. We (everything) is one. We just have to feel it.
Thanks for sharing this! I’ve been meditating the past year or so :) I think Integration is something I need as well! Looking forward to hearing from you
I've made many attempts to establish a meditation practice over the last several years, and have completely failed to do so. So I hugely admire anyone who can show up for their sitting on a regular basis. I just had a little knee surgery last month, which I'm hoping means I'll be able to sit cross-legged without pain, after years of not being able to, and maybe that will help. But yes, I think meditation and integration are definitely a good combination. What style(s) of meditation do you practice?
Hi Solana!
I thought about how to describe my meditation practice for a bit, and I don't think I have a very neat description. I like to try lots of different meditations from both secular and spiritual texts! I've found a great foothold with focus building activities such as window-gazing, candle-gazing, & counting. I also learned abdominal bracing exercises in physical therapy, which help me better engage my diaphragm, so I now have a better experience with breath-based exercises.
Breathing meditations help build focus, which makes it easier to do grounding and physical exercise, which build breathing skills, and so on. It's a compounding practice! At first, I was only able to focus on a meditation for around 20 minutes once a month, but now it's a lot easier. If it's something you're interested in, don't feel like you have to sit either! Standing meditation, tai chi, building abdomen strength, or even lying down are all perfectly acceptable for many meditation goals.
Hope your knee is feeling well!
I like this approach of trying lots and lots of methods. I went to the San Francisco Zen Center several years ago, and enjoyed their style of zazen, but never managed to sustain the practice on my own. Candle-gazing sounds very enticing. I shall try it before the week is out! (But not this exact moment, as it's bedtime here and I would 100% fall asleep. Which would not be good with a candle burning.) Thanks for the inspiration. And thank you, yes, the knee is mending very well. :)
I'm in my 70s and eager to take a guided journey with mushrooms. I did some psychedelics many years ago as a young woman of the 60s and 70s, but it was for "fun" and now I'm looking for much more than that. About two years ago Oregon legalized psilocybin and I've been watching to see when they can open therapeutic centers for guided experiences. For those who are feeling despair at life, I know the feeling. I can tell you that life is very hard. And there are many times when it seems to simply be a slog. But that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or wrong with life. I hope you can hang in there. Life seems so amazing, beautiful and meaningful from here.
Hi Bonny. Thanks for this comment. Yeah, I'm very interested to see how things go in Oregon. I get the feeling it's going to just explode with all the new activity, and that that will carry over into other states pretty quickly.
Once upon a time, a few days ago, I went for a lunchtime walk along the beach. Something sparkled in the water near my feet, and I reached down to pick it up—a little bottle, carefully sealed, holding a neatly rolled slip of paper. An invitation! I read it and re-read it, smoothing the curled edges with my fingers. I looked up and out over the ocean toward the horizon, then down at my phone. Break time was over, and I slipped both bottle and note into my pocket. I felt them there as the days passed. In stolen moments, haltingly, one clumsy scrap at a time, I began to make a tiny boat.
Mushrooms are a gentle friend of mine--intermittent as-needed micro-doses have been truly therapeutic over the past few years--but the experiences I’m working to integrate have occurred without ingesting any substances: mind-bending, joyous, weirdly insightful, deeply connective, life-giving experiences.
Is it possible to grow and change through them?
How can I live their gifts—and give their gifts--amidst everything life throws at me?
May something surprising, beautiful, and genuinely useful arise here, on this little island of intention.
Deana Gurney, Portland, Maine. Saw your post via The Egg and the Rock.
Greetings, Deana. What an excellent reply from across the waves!
"How can I live their gifts—and give their gifts--amidst everything life throws at me?"
That couldn't be better put. Thank you for this beautiful note, and I look to reflecting on such questions with you in the days ahead.
(Also, pretty chuffed that we now have TWO people with names from top-shelf Nick Cave songs in this comments chain. Good group!)
Definitely one vote for 'Attempt to keep the conduit open even in the world of men', as it were. I'm not sure when it started - I've done a healthy share of LSD & Mushrooms over the last 5-6 years - but these days I notice that that conduit is always a little open.
Oh, sure, I can't commune with Entities and the like the same way I can when actually tripping - but it's like that connection to the Light of Origin remains always open. Like the door is ajar, and in doing so I can sort of listen in to what's on the other side.
It leaves me feeling much more at ease, because generally what I've found on the other side of that door is far more positive than not. Oh, there are absolutely things to be wary of - and it is something I would caution many against, because I think it takes a prepared mind to really be ready to surf that ocean, especially given the likelihood of storms and thousand-foot waves, and losing your balance in those times is Not Great.
But if you are, well - yea. I have at least one Cosmic Study Buddy, and those times we both synchronize resonate a lot.
Anyhoo, definite subscribe, and hopefully will upgrade to paid soon enough. A lot of what you wrote here I've had my own similar experiences of, and being able to relate on that level makes life a little less lonely~
Listening through a door ajar sounds like a good place to be. I hope you're overhearing lots of the Universe's best secrets. :) And yes, I've also found the other side more positive than not - despite, as you say, the hazards of those depths - and I'm very glad this has also been the case for you. And I'm delighted if any of my writing makes life at all less lonely - thank you for joining in here, and making life a little less lonely for me, too.
Funny how your journey with psychedelic shrooms coincides with my journey. Though, I have been experimenting with smaller daily doses and now and then larger doses. I have noticed that they have helped me with my everyday wellbeing and creativity. I also start my day with Lions Mane mushrooms in my coffee and micro dose 3 to 4 plus more days a week. Have you seen Fantastic Fungi and How To Change Your Mind? They were very enlightening documentaries. It is very refreshing to see scientific studies going forward and their findings are showing beneficial results. I don’t think it will be long before more States besides Oregon here in the U.S will be legalized.
Big kudos to you writing and reaching out about this subject. It’s in my opinion that if they are consumed mindfully by more people, they could be helpful to many societies ills.
I watched How To Change Your Mind last year, and just watched Fantastic Fungi a few weeks ago. I enjoyed the hell out of both of them. Have been a fan of Pollan's work for a long time, but didn't know Stamet's work until I saw the doc. I really have so much to learn, but am delighted and astonished by so much of what I've already come across. One thing I do want to learn more about is the whole world of mushrooms that are medicinal without being 'magic' per se, like the Lion's Mane you mention. Do you notice anything different since you started taking them?
I agree, there is so much to learn about mushrooms and fungi. Paul Stamet is one fascinating individual with his amazing knowledge on this topic. His story of overcoming his debilitating struggle with stuttering is very inspiring on the benefits of psilocybin. His claim that Turkey Tail helped save his mother’s life from cancer is extraordinary too.
I feel like the Lion’s Mane has helped but, I also incorporate taking MCT oil, Fish oil, and Magnesium L-Threonate for brain function. Trying everything I can to keep this aging brain as functional as can be. I do feel like micro dosing has had a big impact on my everyday emotional wellbeing. Also, sometimes I add a mix of a plethora of medicinal shroom powder to water to drink, and I eat Shitake mushrooms a few days a week for they are high in vitamin D.
I’m inspired to watch Fantastic Fungi again. I’ve already seen it a few times. It always blows me away watching it. Maybe I should watch it on shrooms? The visuals already are spectacular. It might take it to another level, eh?!
Yeah, the visuals on that film are wonderful. They clearly know their audience. :)
Just saw this TED talk this morning. Surprised to learn what I was doing on my own is called “stacking”, and has the most effective results. https://youtu.be/vQuuY9xmzjg